Apathy and Waking Up!

I am not sure that everyone can relate but this is what it is like for me. I get out of bed in the morning or the afternoon or whenever I happen to wake up and it takes me a couple of hours to convince myself that yes I indeed want to be alive. I am not getting the razors or the .45 out or anything but I wake up just wishing I hadn’t most times. Every now and then I wake up all gung-ho and ready to take on the world. I am a full time student, I run a full time business, I live with a full time girlfriend, there is quite a bit on my plate. This would be quite a bit for anyone but I think it’s a bit more difficult for someone like me with a severe mental illness. I don’t want or need anyone’s sympathy but I wake up wondering why and wishing I hadn’t more days than not. I don’t dwell on the negative horrible feelings in life but those tend to be the things we feel the most strongly and the music I listen to and play and what I read tends to reflect that. It’s not dwelling on the horrible and painful it’s just recognizing that it is there, expressing and hopefully you find someone somewhere along the line that can relate to you, having said that here is some poetry. Song lyrics actually but poetry without the music.

Day after day, love turns grey
Like the skin of a dying man.
Night after night, we pretend its all right
But I have grown older and
You have grown colder and
Nothing is very much fun any more.
And I can feel one of my turns coming on.
I feel cold as a razor blade,
Tight as a tourniquet,
Dry as a funeral drum.

Run to the bedroom,
In the suitcase on the left
You'll find my favorite axe.
Don't look so frightened
This is just a passing phase,
One of my bad days.
Would you like to watch T.V.?
Or get between the sheets?
Or contemplate the silent freeway?
Would you like something to eat?
Would you like to learn to fly?
Would'ya?
Would you like to see me try?

Would you like to call the cops?
Do you think it's time I stopped?
Why are you running away?