There are endless amounts of phenomenon in this world that I just don’t understand. If you understand any of these things please enlighten me, I just want to understand.

First, Gay men. Okay, I understand homosexuality, you are physically attracted to a person of the same sex, it’s been around forever and always will be, it’s just one of natures peculiar anomalies. So if A guy is homosexual he should be attracted to other guys. So, does he go out and find him a muscle bound sweaty construction worked with big biceps, no he goes and gets a man that acts, dresses and talks like a woman. This is where I get confused, if you’re attracted to men why in the hell do you pick a man that acts like a woman. If you want someone that acts and looks like a woman get a woman.

Sorry, O’douls, I just don’t understand non-alcoholic beer. I’m not much of a beer drinker to start with, but if I’m gonna drink a beer it’s going to have alcohol in it. Why would anyone want to go to bar, suck down 6 or 8 non-alcoholic beers, maybe flirt with a woman or two, do a little dancing and then call it a night. So you don’t get buzzed, drunk, toasted or even mildly intoxicated but you still have to take a leak every 15 minutes. I just don’t understand it.

I feel pretty much the same way about decaffeinated coffee, tea, or soda. It’s kinda like playing footsy with someone who doesn’t have any fucking legs. A bit like Necrophilia too, there’s just something missing there. Be careful with that decaf coffee, but I suppose it does have it’s uses, to bring you down at the end of the night after drinking all that non-alcoholic beer with your boyfriend who acts like a woman.

What about phone sex? $2.99 a minute to talk to some woman who is faking an orgasm while filing her nails or balancing her checkbook. I can think of half a dozen women that would do it for free anytime, and won’t fake it. I just can’t understand why anyone would pay for sex. If you can’t get yourself laid you have serious problems. If I weighed 600lbs, was hair-lipped-hunchback with a 3rd arm I could still get laid, but there are tons of people far more normal than that who seem to have great difficulty achieving this feat. I just don’t understand paying for sex, if someone wanted to pay me that would be fine I suppose but that probably wouldn’t go over real well with my girlfriend.

Reunion dot com and classmates dot com. This I really don’t get because there is a very good reason why I haven’t talked to these people in 10 years. I really want to catch up with Richard so and so, find out he married a homely looking illegal alien, had three children, moved to Teaneck, New Jersey and works as a bricklayer. Oh my god, the excitement just overwhelms me. I’m experiencing shortness of breathe and an epinephrine surge just thinking about it.

Now Psychics. You seem them on tv and can call their 900 numbers or get ‘readings’ on the internet. How come everyone was somebody famous in their previous lives. You’ll never hear a psychic tell someone that in their previous life their name was Richard, but everyone called you dick, and that you had a job as a bricklayer in Teaneck, New Jersey and that you had a homely looking illegal alien for a wife and a couple of annoying children. On top of that you were always someone good, no one is ever Hitler, Stalin, or Keith Moon. If I only had a penny for everyone who was Cleopatra in another life.

Yet another thing I don’t quite understand, if Hilary gets elected president do we get to call Bill the first lady?

There are a lot of things I don’t understand about women but I want to talk specifically about the Wal-Mart Syndrome. For my girlfriend going to wal-mart is the equivalent of taking an 8 year old to Disneyland. “I’m gonna run out to the store real quick, do you want to come?” NOoooooo! Absolutely 100% Not. If you ask any sane guy if he would rather spend 8 hours at wal mart with his girlfriend or have exploratory rectal surgery he’s going to ask one question, “How many days of work will I miss if I have the surgery?” That is a no brainer, I’ll take the surgery everytime.

Another thing I don’t get is the guy that stands there hitting the glass pipe with a gram of methamphetamine in it telling you that you need to quit smoking because it is bad for your health and that cigarettes are dangerous. Or the guy sitting at the bar drinking a beer telling me I need to quit drinking

When exactly did used cars become pre-owned? If a woman is divorced is she used or pre-owned? And how come they don’t come with warranties? Then there are the devoutly catholic Hispanic females I have talked to that don’t believe in pre-marital sex and want to respect that tradition and practice so they tell there boyfriends they can only have anal sex. They don’t think that counts as sex, so they aren’t actually having premarital sex. It sounds crazy but I guess it’s no different than Clinton thinking cigar penetration and a blow job does NOT constitute sexual relations.

How come I always have to press one to proceed in English?

I don’t understand Job Titles either. Custodial Engineer translates to Janitor. I have a friend who is a Senior Quality Assurance Analyst for a company. It’s funny because she is the only quality assurance analyst, I guess that makes her the senior analyst be default? When I was in prison my friend bull got a vocational training certification, he was a Laundry Maintenance Technician. He pushed a broom around a couple of hours a day a couple of days a week and tried to steal as much as possible from laundry. The broom was just basically a prop. You can just stand around and as long as you have a broom in your hands it looks like you’re working. How about Correctional Officer? Who and what are these people correcting? I can only speak for the state of Texas because it is the only prison system I have personally experienced but there is no correction going on in there at all. In Texas they prefer to hire Hispanic females and I think they pay by the pound.

How about my rheumatologist, she tells me not to worry about my heart at all, everything is fine and then tells me I need an echocardigram and have to go to the hospital to get put on heart monitor. Wait a minute, I thought I didn’t need to worry about it. Are you doing enough worrying for the both of us? Is that it.

I’m not particularly spiritual or religious, I refer to myself as a recovering catholic and I don’t think that I have a soul, a lot of other people do and they do lots of praying for my soul. Religious fanatics are kind of a pain in the ass sometimes but with all the praying they do for MY soul, I figure it saves me the trouble. The Jehovah’s Witness people came to our door the other day and I missed them. I was downstairs and working she didn’t want to bother me, I was really pissed off, I enjoy talking with people that believe incredibly ridiculous stuff. Mainstream religion is bad enough, but these people have to reinterpret the whole thing in their own original delusional way.

I had an on again off again girlfriend for man years many years ago and she tracked me down online after we went separate ways, I had just gotten divorced and she wanted to get together with me but I had to convert to her church and religious beliefs, she was a Jehovah’s Witness. Needless to say I did not get together with her and have not heard from her since, that was 5 years ago.

Therapy, that’s another thing. People spend years in therapy trying to figure out real basic simple things like, you have to deal with life on life’s terms, you can’t change the past, you don’t have control over other people, you have to accept things the way they are, you have to take responsibility for your actions, you have choices in life and what other people think doesn’t matter. All the talk in the world adds up to nothing, action is the right thing to do and the proactive. I understand these things, and I’m not that old, I know people older and younger than I that will never figure these basic things out. I don’t need to go to an AA meeting for someone to tell me I have a drinking problem, I know I do. I don’t need my doctor to tell me I should 1quit smoking, I know I should, all on my own.

Yet another thing I don’t understand is the credibility that people give to other people or in some cases the lack of. If a guy with a Phd in Quantum Mechanics starts explaining to me the different states that an electron can exist in the quantum physical universe I’m inclined to believe him. But the American Public is so gullible and doesn’t take credibility into consideration. The whole “I saw it on TV, it has to be true” mentality to me is just ridiculous. If my mother tells me I’m lazy she’s right because compared to her I am, but my sister telling me I’m lazy is a different thing. It’s all about credibility and your actions are what give you credibility, not your words. Alleviate everything you say and think from your life and look solely at what you do, that is what defines you and gives you credibility or lack of. Just like the guy at the bar drinking telling me to quit drinking.

I am baffled by the fact that the average American does not understand that a theory is a hypothesis without contradictory evidence. They taught me this in the 4th grade and it’s been applicable to my life ever sense. Even when I water it down and put it into simple redneck terms they still don’t get it.

I’m not going to proof read this because I AM Lazy!